- - -

Waiting for your exams to be over might be the most painful thing ever.
Listening to other couples be lovey and knowing that you arent here to do that with me might just be worse.

5 days more.
Five days left.
LETS DO THIS

Analogies.

My writcom teacher, Mr Sharpe, once said that we should always use unusual analogies. Ones that compared two things that were remotely similar, just to make the reader think. (this is also the same teacher who called me out on being late just because I was legit stuck in a jam on the way to school, then told me he was joking with me afterward)

I've spent the whole day learning, basically. Learning about rituals of other religions--what to and not to do, things that would make you look an idiot, and also how to cope with everything. (i kinda like the Buddists, they're pretty creative with like making origami- which I also learnt today, and am probably a pro at right now)

As I was folding the paper "nuggets", I started to think about analogies, and how the funeral and everything was kinda like facing a large scale break up.

I mean, look at it this way. In both scenarios, people have left us. Whether it's to move on, or pass on. You go through the same grieving stage, crying and sobbing, asking why he couldnt have just stayed and what you did wrong. And no matter how much you hate certain traits of his (in a breakup. I loved my grandad to bits hahaha), you still wish a certain part of him wanted to stay. And everyone's grieving, and you realise that everyone seems to be slightly more alright, hugging their spouses and kids. Then you realise you cant stop saying sorry and apologizing for everything, much like in a break up. You'd basically change your entire being just to hold on to that someone in a toxic relationship.

Then I realised I had folded the nuggets till my hands were sore and, just.. unfeeling. Yeah. And I remembered the last time I did that.

Valentines day.

I folded straw hearts everywhere, for him. For two weeks I basically brought a bag of blue and red straws to fold whenever I could. I remember being so damned proud of what I did. Spent my chinese new year money on you too. Took me a pretty long time to save. Im not saying that I regret doing it, but I was doing it in the hopes that it would be appreciated by the other party. Much like folding paper nuggets. It was an elephant in the room, everyone said that we were folding it for my grandad, when we were folding it in hopes that wherever he is, he'd appreciate it.

It's never easy when a person leaves. Especially if they leave out of the blue. You take forgranted that he or she's just gonna be there, waiting for you to come back. You tell yourself they'll come visit you and talk to you again. My sister had a dream that my grandad came back to her and called her. I heard voices the night before too. I'd like to think that some part of it is just us being too affected by my grandad's absence, but some part of me kinda hopes that it's him. And everyone says "i hope he comes back tonight".

I'd thought that the most pain I would ever feel in my 17 years on earth would be from that, but this is much worse.

I've heard the words "be strong" and "are you okay?" more times within the last two days than my entire rest of my life combined. (at least I think so). It's like, you still want to sob your eyes out at the sight of his brown kahkis that he would wear all the time while being shirtless around the house, or his favourite purple shirt he wore to formal occations, like birthdays and dinners. I mean, not that I dont appeeciate your concern, but he's not coming back. (much like in an ended relationship).

Also, you become really vunerable. At any mention of the person within 24 hours of the break or death, you cry. Tears just spill out. And you cant do anything to stop them. And you have to repeat the entire thing over and over, about how you didnt feel like he wanted you and you wanted to see if he chased you back or if he wanted you back... Or that you want him back with you and you cant accept that he's in a wooden box, sealed with rubber cement everywhere except the head.

And people tell you they've been through it before and that its okay, and there's no more pain, but there's something lingering inside.

But it's not all bad. Like in breakups, you learn from a family member's passing. You learn that your father is human, and he cries too. And you learn that you cant buy a beef burher back to the Buddist wake (i legit didnt know that, cuz I was never told it before.) That crying is completely okay and sometimes you really need hugs from one person, but they cant give it to you cuz they're gone. And just like in a break up, you grow from it, and you realise that you were a significant part of someone's life. (i was told today, that my birth got my grandad out of his depression)

And you learn how to help others, how to grieve and how to accept it. How to talk about it and how to ensure that you do as much as you can to let them go in peace.

I guess, in a way, we put in so much effort to grieve and make things for people who wont be there to see it. Maybe its more for ourselves.

My thoughts are becoming incoherent and random. 2.30, its kinda early in the morning.

I guess funerals really are for the living, the dead wont be there to appreciate it in the flesh, anyway.

Just a little ramble, then.
-audrey.

“等大姨回来” (wait for the eldest aunt to get back)

Clocks in hospitals tick the slowest.

Well. That seemed pretty true. For 48 hours since you came into the hospital, you fought a battle against kidney failure, pneumonia and water in the lungs.

I honestly hope none of you (ie. Whoever's reading this) has to ever see an IV bag in the hospital in the ICU at any point of time in your lives. It's painful, you know. Like to see your family member or whoever just plugged up to tubes and fighting an internal battle.

You. I shall use the royal "you" used to wake me up at 4am to get ready for school on a tuesday (school started at 9) and would call me while I was having dinner to check if I was still alive or if i'd "skipped school like you uncle, that rascal". Around the bed, everyone kept telling you to "hold on" and "等大姐回来", and you did. Well, a valiant attempt was made. Now that you're gone, well. I dont really know what to do anymore.

Sigh.

Dear reader (or future versions of me if no one reads this), I dont know about you, but watching someone slowly slip away is pretty surreal. First, their heartrate drops. And thats the first scare. You cry, you hug people, they tell you he's gonna be fine, and you get slightly okay. Then you wait. And you lose sleep, and you overthink. Next, kidneys. At this point of time, you know the end of their life is pretty much inevitable. Give and take 20 hours. Dialysis machines dont work any more, feet swell up. You try not to think about it. Family members start going into "dont let the kids hear you" even though we arent deaf, and statements or questions like "so do we start making plans?" are heard. You cry a bit more, wait a little, go down, take a walk. Not much you can do. You sit at the staircase calling your best friend and start wailing. You fool yourself into thinking miracles happen and it might just happen to you. Finally. After all the crying is done, and you think you might be okay? It happens. Yeap. Everyone bawls, the heartbeat's one straight line. And you cant do anything.

You tell your friends, cry. Tell more friends, tweet about it. They ask if you're okay, and you dont really know how to react. Because we all know that they have no idea how to make anything better or how to make you feel better at all because they cant.

And you remember 9th august as being possibly the saddest day of your life, even though its national day.

People talk about the babies born on national day, they kinda forget that people die on national day too. And yeah.

I'd like to think you got a pretty good life: 7 kids, two sons and 5 daughters, a beautiful eldest granddaughter (ie. Yours truly) and 4 other grand kids, with another on the way, a pint of beer whenever we got to head out as a family, dentures, a tortise, and your favourite sofa in the corner of the room. Geez, I have no idea how im gonna deal with not having fried egg and beansprouts just the way you did it. Hope you have a nice life up there, this world's too fucked up for you to stay any longer anyway.

There arent anymore tears I can cry right now, 阿公, I miss you so much. They always said you loved me the most. Maybe you were biased because im the eldest. I can only wish you journey mercy and hope that you protect us from above (as cliché as it sounds).

The curtain's been drawn (literally). I didnt think it would be this soon though.

Love you 阿公. Thanks for everything. <3

-audrey. (even though uou could never pronounce my name right)