#randomusings

"Marketing is much like courtship- you find out what they like, try to like what they like, and hope they'll like you back."

4am thoughts.

i woke up feeling sad. Crying. it's four in the morning and i need a hug. I know i sound selfish and egoistic and just whiny, but i miss him. I miss him before he fucking left us all to defend ourselves. I just wish he would come back, i need his physical form here.

i dreamt of him last night. or rather, this morning.

he was wearing his kakis and his brown pants. and i was screaming and crying and kicking. Reduced down to a little kid. He just stood there. i could see him, and hear him, but he only came to hold me after i'd simmered down. and the lyrics of "i wish you would" kept playing.

now that i look at it. it's been exactly two months since he left us. like as of right now.

everyone still talks about him and more so what they should get for him. i'm not over it yet i dont want to go. i want him to come back. it was way too early he didnt deserve it. kidney failure is a thing but you guys didnt even give him a chance.

i just feel like kicking and screaming but everything's been gone and done there's no way he's coming  back now. i dont know how i feel about this other than immense sadness and anger and frustration.

now i understand why fragmented thoughts come to you in the middle of the night.

Dear younger Audrey.

Dear Younger Audrey (at sec 1),

Welcome to secondary school. You might think secondary school will be a chance for you to get a brand new start, but don’t forget that all your classmates will be following you from primary school because of this wonderful thing called “affiliation”. Your past will come to haunt you, and self-esteem will be something you’ll battle. Trust me, those are the least of your problems. Throughout the four years you’ll also question your sexuality and how you view yourself and the world. You might think you’re on top of the world, but you’re actually really sheltered.

In secondary three you’ll meet the best friends you have right now. They’ll be there to support you when your world comes crashing down, and likewise you’ll be there to go for their auditions and to support them in whatever they do. Be sure to learn from them, because they’re probably the most talented people you’ll know. Don’t forget about your other friends though, because of your tendency to drop things and run away, you end up losing relationships that you could have been a part of. One more piece of advice: don’t decide on what you want to be in the future merely by passion. Also, make sure you have several back up plans. Everyone wants to be a radio deejay, but you might not have the skills to be one just yet, explore other forms of media before you decide what you want to do. All the best for your o levels, and even though you feel like giving up on additional mathematics, if you at least go for the paper, you might be pleasantly surprised.

have fun with school retard. 

best wishes,

Future Audrey 

(ps. CAN YOU SCORE BETTER FOR O LEVELS PLEASE. AND NOT SLEEP IN PHYSICS, LOSER)

My grandma used to freeze in the rain, the two of us would end up sharing blankets and pillows to keep warm.

Now, she tells me she's okay, and that I should be the one keeping warm. I kinda forget he's on an extended vacation sometimes.