My IC says I'm Christian, my birth certificate, baptism record and parents all say I'm Christian. From birth, I've been Christian and baptised before I even knew what the word meant or how to spell it. Do I believe in a higher power? Yeah I do. I know that there is one. But I'm not sure if he's "there".
But am I actually a Christian?
I went to church and sat through a full session for the first time in a while. Because of other commitments that clashed, I haven't even able to go for things like cell and full sermons. It left me.. Detached, to say the least. Without a drive to go. But that's kind of my fault for not putting in the effort to go.
Worship seemed different. I was singing, but it didn't seem to be right. Idk it just didn't feel right. Cell felt like a gathering of strangers, giving polite politically correct answers to questions posted on a PowerPoint screen in San serif font.
To be honest, I've wanted to write this for quite a while. It seems to be a spiritual high, then that's it. And after not going for so long, I guess it kinda took a toll? In the past year my faith has also been tested, with the passing of my maternal grandfather and other events. I don't really know how or what relevance it has to my faith but yeah.
Maybe it's just a phase. But I feel quite stifled? To know that I didn't have a choice to decide on what I wanted to believe or trust. This leads to other complications. It makes me so much harder to adapt to, for others to accept me. I don't know anymore. Why does it have to make life so complicated? Why can't I be loved or at least accepted for what I believe in?
I crave to be loved freely and to love freely. Is that so hard to ask for?
Am I actually what you say I am?
I'm not sure.
Might delete this later. But we'll see. To my church friends, I love you guys. Yall are my family, and it's not because of you. <3
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