My IC says I'm Christian, my birth certificate, baptism record and parents all say I'm Christian. From birth, I've been Christian and baptised before I even knew what the word meant or how to spell it. Do I believe in a higher power? Yeah I do. I know that there is one. But I'm not sure if he's "there".
But am I actually a Christian?
I went to church and sat through a full session for the first time in a while. Because of other commitments that clashed, I haven't even able to go for things like cell and full sermons. It left me.. Detached, to say the least. Without a drive to go. But that's kind of my fault for not putting in the effort to go.
Worship seemed different. I was singing, but it didn't seem to be right. Idk it just didn't feel right. Cell felt like a gathering of strangers, giving polite politically correct answers to questions posted on a PowerPoint screen in San serif font.
To be honest, I've wanted to write this for quite a while. It seems to be a spiritual high, then that's it. And after not going for so long, I guess it kinda took a toll? In the past year my faith has also been tested, with the passing of my maternal grandfather and other events. I don't really know how or what relevance it has to my faith but yeah.
Maybe it's just a phase. But I feel quite stifled? To know that I didn't have a choice to decide on what I wanted to believe or trust. This leads to other complications. It makes me so much harder to adapt to, for others to accept me. I don't know anymore. Why does it have to make life so complicated? Why can't I be loved or at least accepted for what I believe in?
I crave to be loved freely and to love freely. Is that so hard to ask for?
Am I actually what you say I am?
I'm not sure.
Might delete this later. But we'll see. To my church friends, I love you guys. Yall are my family, and it's not because of you. <3
Dear hazel.
Today I was stupid. I lost you on the bus and now you're somewhere out there, out of battery and away from any source of WiFi. I'm so sorry for losing you, and my heart honestly hurts because you're not with me.
I have no idea what happened but I panicked and shutdown before I could actually think. Losing you and freaking out might seem petty, but you've been the closest thing I could call a companion for the last three years. I'm sorry I couldn't find you, I tried everything. I'm just hoping that you'll come back to me because I miss every little square inch of you. I have no idea how people can treat their laptops as just equipment, but I saw you as more than that. Probably also why my friends thought I was insane.
I'll miss the long nights with you, using another laptop is never going to be the same. You had a personality which just understood me. I mean, if someone can confide in a teddy bear, why can't I confide in a laptop? I miss you hazel, please come back. This is gonna be the first night I don't know where you are and my bed is gonna be so empty tonight cuz you're not there with me.
So sappy. But I really hope you come back. I have faith in humanity but they don't seem to be proving me right. I can only hope that you are safe and that they haven't murdered you to pieces.
You saw me reach for my dreams and get them I only hope that you come back to me and help me get the rest. I couldn't even send you to get repaired because of how attached I was with you. May the force be with you hazel.
Okay?
Okay.
Maybe okay will be our always.
