I don't know what I expected. 

In the persuit of money, I lost myself. Can't remember when was the last time I took the bus home the long way round, or went out for ice cream by myself. 

I'm waiting for the rays of Laos to drench me in culture, to watch my friends in a whole new light. im not sure i know what i want for christmas. i want to stay at home and be by myself, like to take myself out. i want to be alone. 

Personal thoughts.

My IC says I'm Christian, my birth certificate, baptism record and parents all say I'm Christian. From birth, I've been Christian and baptised before I even knew what the word meant or how to spell it. Do I believe in a higher power? Yeah I do. I know that there is one. But I'm not sure if he's "there".

But am I actually a Christian? 

I went to church and sat through a full session for the first time in a while. Because of other commitments that clashed, I haven't even able to go for things like cell and full sermons. It left me.. Detached, to say the least. Without a drive to go. But that's kind of my fault for not putting in the effort to go.

Worship seemed different. I was singing, but it didn't seem to be right. Idk it just didn't feel right. Cell felt like a gathering of strangers, giving polite politically correct answers to questions posted on a PowerPoint screen in San serif font.

To be honest, I've wanted to write this for quite a while. It seems to be a spiritual high, then that's it. And after not going for so long, I guess it kinda took a toll? In the past year my faith has also been tested, with the passing of my maternal grandfather and other events. I don't really know how or what relevance it has to my faith but yeah.

Maybe it's just a phase. But I feel quite stifled? To know that I didn't have a choice to decide on what I wanted to believe or trust. This leads to other complications. It makes me so much harder to adapt to, for others to accept me. I don't know anymore. Why does it have to make life so complicated? Why can't I be loved or at least accepted for what I believe in?

I crave to be loved freely and to love freely. Is that so hard to ask for?

Am I actually what you say I am?
I'm not sure.

Might delete this later. But we'll see. To my church friends, I love you guys. Yall are my family, and it's not because of you. <3

you make my life so damned worthwhile, i cant even begin to explain why.

Dear hazel.

Dear hazel.

Today I was stupid. I lost you on the bus and now you're somewhere out there, out of battery and away from any source of WiFi. I'm so sorry for losing you, and my heart honestly hurts because you're not with me.

I have no idea what happened but I panicked and shutdown before I could actually think. Losing you and freaking out might seem petty, but you've been the closest thing I could call a companion for the last three years. I'm sorry I couldn't find you, I tried everything. I'm just hoping that you'll come back to me because I miss every little square inch of you. I have no idea how people can treat their laptops as just equipment, but I saw you as more than that. Probably also why my friends thought I was insane.

I'll miss the long nights with you, using another laptop is never going to be the same. You had a personality which just understood me. I mean, if someone can confide in a teddy bear, why can't I confide in a laptop? I miss you hazel, please come back. This is gonna be the first night I don't know where you are and my bed is gonna be so empty tonight cuz you're not there with me.

So sappy. But I really hope you come back. I have faith in humanity but they don't seem to be proving me right. I can only hope that you are safe and that they haven't murdered you to pieces.

You saw me reach for my dreams and get them I only hope that you come back to me and help me get the rest. I couldn't even send you to get repaired because of how attached I was with you. May the force be with you hazel.

Okay?
Okay.

Maybe okay will be our always.

#randomusings

"Marketing is much like courtship- you find out what they like, try to like what they like, and hope they'll like you back."

4am thoughts.

i woke up feeling sad. Crying. it's four in the morning and i need a hug. I know i sound selfish and egoistic and just whiny, but i miss him. I miss him before he fucking left us all to defend ourselves. I just wish he would come back, i need his physical form here.

i dreamt of him last night. or rather, this morning.

he was wearing his kakis and his brown pants. and i was screaming and crying and kicking. Reduced down to a little kid. He just stood there. i could see him, and hear him, but he only came to hold me after i'd simmered down. and the lyrics of "i wish you would" kept playing.

now that i look at it. it's been exactly two months since he left us. like as of right now.

everyone still talks about him and more so what they should get for him. i'm not over it yet i dont want to go. i want him to come back. it was way too early he didnt deserve it. kidney failure is a thing but you guys didnt even give him a chance.

i just feel like kicking and screaming but everything's been gone and done there's no way he's coming  back now. i dont know how i feel about this other than immense sadness and anger and frustration.

now i understand why fragmented thoughts come to you in the middle of the night.

Dear younger Audrey.

Dear Younger Audrey (at sec 1),

Welcome to secondary school. You might think secondary school will be a chance for you to get a brand new start, but don’t forget that all your classmates will be following you from primary school because of this wonderful thing called “affiliation”. Your past will come to haunt you, and self-esteem will be something you’ll battle. Trust me, those are the least of your problems. Throughout the four years you’ll also question your sexuality and how you view yourself and the world. You might think you’re on top of the world, but you’re actually really sheltered.

In secondary three you’ll meet the best friends you have right now. They’ll be there to support you when your world comes crashing down, and likewise you’ll be there to go for their auditions and to support them in whatever they do. Be sure to learn from them, because they’re probably the most talented people you’ll know. Don’t forget about your other friends though, because of your tendency to drop things and run away, you end up losing relationships that you could have been a part of. One more piece of advice: don’t decide on what you want to be in the future merely by passion. Also, make sure you have several back up plans. Everyone wants to be a radio deejay, but you might not have the skills to be one just yet, explore other forms of media before you decide what you want to do. All the best for your o levels, and even though you feel like giving up on additional mathematics, if you at least go for the paper, you might be pleasantly surprised.

have fun with school retard. 

best wishes,

Future Audrey 

(ps. CAN YOU SCORE BETTER FOR O LEVELS PLEASE. AND NOT SLEEP IN PHYSICS, LOSER)